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7 Strategies to Bring Your Blogging Career to a Screeching Halt

Blogging has become so overrated; I mean really, why do writers think it’s so hard? There’s really not much to it. If you’re lazy, unskilled, and completely uninterested in what other people think, then follow these 7 easy tips for creating a successful blog post.

1. Don’t Get Hung up on Research, That’s What Wikipedia Is For.

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Wikipedia is an information gold mine. There’s really no need to create a content research strategy, or go on endless scavenger hunts for the facts, because it’s all in your head. The client you’re writing for chose you because you’re the expert. They may have guidelines for you, but your most important resources are those wonderfully artistic thoughts you have wanted to share with the world.

Attribution is just another ploy to rid you of your creative genius. You’ve read and studied the information; as long as it’s your name in the byline, why share the limelight with anyone else?

2. Brainstorming Interferes With the Creative Process, So Ditch It.

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The less you use your brain, the better. You want to be well-rested when creating your post. If it makes you feel better, skim a few and articles; they’re always reliable!

If you’re working on a piece about a celebrity, utilize sites like TMZ and Celebrity Buzz, they always have the most accurate and recent news. Pick up a National Enquire, Globe, or OK! Magazine at your local grocery store! Some call them grocery store rags; I call them Omni-gold!

Don’t think outside of the box. People love reading the same old mundane content over and over again; gives them a sense of security. As writers, we’re responsible for telling readers what to think, feel, and believe. With all the things we have going on in the world, who has the time to form opinions and take stances?

3. Keep the Content Light and Fluffy. Substance is Boring.

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People LOVE clichés; you should use them all the time. It’s classic and gives your writing a sense of culture. Phrases like “the writing’s on the wall”, “don’t cry over spilled milk”, “at the end of the day…”, and “…like taking candy from a baby” should be used in your post as often as possible.

Digging deeper is for amateurs. Use general, vague, broad topics and cover all aspects in a single post. Your post can be as long as you want. Readers often look forward to scrolling through lots of pages of text, especially if the “point” of the story is hidden and hard to find.

4. Writing Has No Boundaries or Structure; Kill the Outline.

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No one ever told Picasso how to hold his brush, so no one should tell a writer how to structure their writing. Why fall at the mercy of lazy web readers? The larger your paragraphs, the smarter you look!

Don’t worry about sounding redundant.  Jumping from one incomplete thought to another will give your post that extra pomp and circumstance it needs to be shareable. Keep your sentences long and detailed, giving your readers plenty of information to digest all at once. The typical 5-paragraph essay format you learned in junior high school is perfect for the web!

5. Your Style, Your Words, Your Decision.

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Logic has no room in the blog world. Complexity in your writing will bring you the attention you deserve and will leave readers wanting more. A little confusion goes a long way.

Insert random ideas into your post to surprise your reader. Be passive. No one wants to sound like a know-it-all. Be very opinionated! If you’re writing for a client, be a stand up citizen and shed some light on both the positive and negative aspects of their business. Your client will be happy that you had their customers’ feelings in mind.

6. A Picture Says a Thousand Words; Make Them Bold.

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Images are the physical embodiments of your precious thoughts, so aim to shock your audience! You can Google anything you need and insert them directly into your article, wherever you want. No one will ever know where it’s from so don’t worry about it. With all the accessible images online, owners expect their photos to be taken and used without credit.

Believe it or not, sex sells! Slip in an image of something risqué and watch your shares, likes, and comments sky rocket! The image doesn’t have to be relative as long as it grabs the readers’ attention.

7. Spellcheck is for Losers.

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Only writers who are not confident in their ability to get it right the first time proofread their content. Your content should sound as natural as possible. A little grammatical or spelling error here and there allows the reader to feel connected to you. They’ll appreciate your bold display of faults.

Acronyms are great too! With all the new texting and social network lingos, readers like to know that the writer is keeping up with what’s “in”. So, drop a few “LOL”s, “TTYL”s, and “FML”s (a crowd favorite) into your post!

Don’t belittle your audience. Punctuations are just condescending reminders to your reader to breathe. Who needs to be told to do something that happens naturally regardless?

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The writing industry can be challenging, but if you apply these simple tips to your blog, you’ll have to fight off all of the attention;  clients won’t get enough of you! The best policy is no policy. So, put that noodle to rest and be confident in your ability to “wow” [literally] effortlessly!

Obvious disclaimer: This article is purely sarcastic suggestions on how to write blog posts. By following these tips, you are setting yourself for a life in the shadows due to being ridiculed heavily by your readers and peers. CopyPress writers know that by avoiding these 7 strategies you will have success creating  a blog article that’s worth reading.

About the author

Josette Edouard